I Said No, and I Felt Bad About it
Back when I was in the rat race, I was known as the ultimate multitasker. I had this misguided notion that accommodating requests from my boss, my peers, and even people from other departments would help me advance in my career. I’d increase my visibility, extend my network that included people from the higher-ups, and slay at my performance reviews. My plate was always overflowing with my tasks and shit from other people.
Soon, I got meetings on weeknights, calls on Friday nights, and deadlines on Saturday afternoons. It didn’t take long for me to suffer from quicker burn-outs, and I started snapping at anyone within my 1-meter radius. Of course, my family became an easy target.
I’d be more than happy to blame people from work who had no regard for my personal life. But, the truth is, it was me who gave out the signals that I was accessible to them, ready to help. The reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I was still stagnant at that same job position, not even getting a leg-up on the career ladder.
So, I’ve learned the hard way that saying ‘yes’ to every request is not the way to go especially if you want to preserve your sanity and well-being.
Little did I know that saying ‘no’ has its own demons too. It’s the rotten feeling I have afterward for letting people down, forcing them to find other alternatives.
Eager to please people. Desperate to preserve relationships. Avoid open confrontations.
Unfortunately, I seem to have all these symptoms that compound to guilt and rottenness every time I turn down someone.
So, I decided to observe how people around me do it, from the workplace, among friends and family members, and in random encounters. It didn’t take long for me to discover that people can say ‘no’ in creative ways.
The anatomy of the response ‘No’
Flat-out ‘No’
This is the Jedi level of turning people down. If someone comes to you to solicit a favor, you can directly say ‘no’ if the circumstance is not ideal to say “Hell, yeah!”. And you know well enough that you don’t have to feel responsible for how they would think of you, so you’re not even compelled to explain your reasons. This may seem cold-hearted but hey, you have your own priorities to look out for, right? And this way, the person can move on to other alternatives, instead of waiting for you to give an answer.
‘No’, disguising as ‘Yes’
So, somebody comes to you, asks a favor, you’re reluctant to oblige, but you say ‘yes’ anyway. You end up doing a less-than-satisfactory job in fulfilling it, causing the dissatisfaction of the other person.
Why do we resort to this kind of passive-aggression? Many reasons. You feel that you’re pushed into a corner. You don’t really like that person. That person intimidates you.
But it all starts with your initial unwillingness to say ‘yes’. See how it snowballs? They would have depended on you but the end result they’re getting is a half-baked attempt. Even if it’s a ruse to get them to not ask any favor from you again, do they deserve this kind of treatment? Most often than not, the answer is ‘no’.
You thought a ‘no’ answer could jeopardize relationships, well we can see now that saying ‘yes’ could entail the same consequence.
The silent treatment
I’m always at the receiving end of this. I guess it comes with the territory of being a freelancer. Potential clients, seemingly interested in my services at first would brief me about their requirements, enquire about my rates, etc. And suddenly (usually after sending my rate card to them), they vanish. When I followed up via Messenger, no reply. When I moved on to Whatsapp, well they just double-blue-ticked me! Typical ghosting moves.
This could be one way of not having to deal with people’s reactions upon being rejected. In this era where people across continents are easily reachable, it’s only natural to expect a reply, even if it’s a ‘No’. We get closure this way and move on to other people in the list (to help with the request), other companies (to hunt for new job opportunities), and so on.
Also, did you know that certain cultures might perceive silence as a ‘yes’? At the start of my wedding solemnization years ago, the Qadi (a person who solemnizes Muslim marriage) asked me, “Is this the man you want to marry?” while motioning to my then fiancée who is now my husband. I replied ‘yes’, audible to the rest of the hall. Little did I know my response caused an uproar. An elderly woman from my family was not happy. “You should’ve remained silent. Everybody knows you want to marry him.” Anyway, I digress.
‘No’, with emotional baggage
This is my default operating mode when a person asks a favor from me. If I respond in the negative, would I hurt their feelings? What if they bad-mouth about me? What if they won’t help if it’s my turn to seek out help from them? These are some of the morbid thoughts going through my mind. And the emotional turmoil is more real if the person is someone close to me.
A post from Psychology Today proved that I’m not alone. We are social creatures who want to fit in and be liked by the people around us. We’re taught since we’re little to obey the authority — parents, older siblings, teachers. When we become adults, it extends to bosses, life partners, leaders. And because they hold such an important place in our lives, we also want to please them, show our love/respect for them, and avoid conflicts. By that token, we say ‘yes’ to them and try to oblige. And by the same token too, we become overwhelmed with guilt the minute we say ‘no’.
It all seems a lost cause. Is there anything we can do?
Mastering Your ‘No’
By being more conscious of your principles and relationships with other people, as well as practicing your responses, you can get better at saying ‘no’. Here are some tips that you can follow:
Set boundaries and principles
When you have defined your boundaries and principles, you’re systematically categorizing your responses based on them. For example, if you’re set on having no work-related calls after 8 PM because that’s the time you spend with your family, then you’d have a more concrete foundation for your negative responses. Since you’re clearer now that there are still requests you can say ‘yes’ to, it would be easier to say ‘no’ to other situations, right?
This shouldn’t be mistaken for giving out excuses. Excuses can come across as flimsy, people could smell them, and they will poke some more. The idea here is to get them to stop asking once you’ve said ‘no’.
A flimsy ‘no’ example:
“Can we have a call to discuss this project timeline at 8 PM tonight?”
“No. I have something else to do.”
“Well, can we have the call after you’re done?”
See where this is going?
A concrete ‘no’ example:
“Can we have a call to discuss this project timeline at 8 PM tonight?”
“I’m sorry. I reserve 8 PM and above to spend time with my family. Let’s do it tomorrow morning.”
Noticed how concrete the response is? Also, by offering alternatives that suit you, you don’t leave the requester hanging. Everybody wins.
Yet, be tactful
However, when dealing with your boss, it can be a different ball game altogether. Being careless with your ‘no’ could cost you the trust of your boss, a promotion, or worst, your job.
You really don’t want to decline your boss’ request right away even if your plate is full or you think you’re not the right person for the task.
According to Lynn Taylor, who wrote the book “Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant: How to Manage Childish Boss Behavior and Thrive in Your Job”, your response should reflect your commitment to delivering your best work for the company.
Instead of directly saying ‘yes’ or brazenly saying ‘no’, put the question back to your boss. Inform them about your current workload (they may not be aware of it) and ask them how to move forward. Re-prioritization can be one of the ways.
“I’d love to take this up, but I’m currently doing [insert names of other high-priority tasks you have]. I don’t want the end results of these tasks to suffer by doing them all at once. So, please let me know which one I should focus on first.”
You can also downplay your ‘no’ by proposing alternative solutions so your boss knows that you don’t simply want to brush off the task or are too lazy to take it up.
For example, if you think that you don’t have the right skillset to take up the assignment, ask if you can have the training first. In the meantime, recommend another colleague (whom you have informed) to take this up, while you can shadow them.
This way, you don’t get overburdened. The best thing is, you escape the miserable feeling of having to comply without being able to assert your stance to your boss.
Understand people’s tactics
It’s a harsh reality that some people would take you for granted, especially if you’ve been accommodating them repeatedly in the past. If you feel that you’re constantly jumping hoops to meet their demands, but not them, you should take stock of your relationship with this person. One telling sign is that they will try to guilt-trip you into agreeing. In this case, I’d follow Snoop Dogg’s advice: “Drop it like it’s hot”.
Even if you’re used to pleasing people or you were brought up that way, don’t get weighed down by these toxic people. Instead, channel the energy to those who really deserve your help and attention.
Some marketing tactics have been using ‘social pressure’ too to manipulate you into saying ‘yes’ to buy their products, become a member, donate, etc.
“Most mommies really love this product for their kids.”
“Celebrities have signed up to this weight-loss programs.”
“People who are serious about saving the environment have donated to this cause.”
These lines only serve to trigger your FOMO, and the weak-hearted will cave.
Understand your relationship dynamics, the tactics, and the motivations, and you’re in a better position to decline without feeling any guilt.
Practice makes perfect
Oftentimes, when a salesperson approaches, you’d have no problem saying ‘no’ to whatever it is they’re selling. Why is that? Because you don’t know them, so it’s easier to turn them down.
As you need to muster courage and conviction to say ‘no’ to people from your personal and professional life, why not practice on complete strangers first? So, the next time a salesperson comes to you, try to give them a concrete and well-structured ‘no’.
“Would you be interested in buying this vacuum cleaner? It makes cleaning your house 3 times faster.”
“No. I believe my children should learn the value of hard work. And when we clean the house together using the old-fashioned broom, we increase our quality time 3 times more.”
With enough practice, you won’t feel too awkward anymore to respond in the negative when approached by the people that matter to you.
Be like that broken record
If a person keeps asking you over and over again, stand your ground. If they can’t seem to accept your line of reasoning, repeat saying ‘no’, like a broken record if needs be.
Because once you say ‘yes’, they’ll know that you’re easily worn down by their persistence and may use the same tactic the next time. You don’t want that to happen, do you? Unless they’re a 3-year-old child, they would eventually take the hint and let it go.
No More Drama
Get this. Even if you agree to people’s requests hoping that they would think better of you and help you out the next time, there’s no guarantee that they’ll return the favor. It’s taken me countless rejections and let downs to understand this and neutralize the people-pleaser in me. You might still feel bad about it, but you’ll live.
As for the flip side of the coin, saying ‘no’ multiple times to someone that matters to you for your own ‘self-preservation’ might hurt the relationship in the long run.
The bottom line is, you should know how to strike a balance between preserving your well-being and maintaining relationships with people.
